Abu Musa's Chilled Blog

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Parenting

As salamu’alaykum wa rahmatullah

I wake up for work every morning with subhan’Allah a stinging sensation in my eyes. I look in the mirror and some bright red eyes stare back at me.

I think this may be because of the “milk seeking midget” as I like to call him. Alhumdulillah, I don’t begrudge the little man for any sleep I may have missed out on. I guess it’s a part of parenthood, and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I stare at him each day, thinking of the responsibility given to me to raise this child. To be the shepherd that has to guide him. We know that he has been created pure and upon the fitrah, the trick is to keep him that way.

I start work very early, 7.30 to be exact. It’s a strange time to begin working I know, however despite the pain I feel every morning, I know how important working so early is to my family. My main reason is it allows me to be home early, to spend time with my family and insha’Allah give the 6 year old the tarbiyyah that children so desperately require and so rightfully deserve.

People really puzzle me these days. Being a parent I encounter so many other parents, I call upon what I see daily and my own past experiences and form them into some form of parental encyclopaedia. I’m yet to meet a parent that comes up to scratch and subhan’Allah that is a big statement upon those whom Allah has bestowed the responsibility of raising children.

However, I do believe this is the case, and Allah ‘azz wa jaal knows best. All the parents I see everywhere are repeating the same mistakes. Being a parent does not mean a person merely feeds and clothes a child, the essence of tarbiyyah is to cultivate that child constantly. To be that child’s hero, to be the one that the child imitates and takes positive qualities from, eventually leading them to follow the greatest of examples, Muhammad sallalahu’alayhi wa sallam.

Perhaps the problem stems from the reason people have children, the fact that someone wants to have children does not mean that they should, in fact it probably means the opposite. If someone wants to raise a child for the sake of Allah and bring a pious soul into this world that will glorify the name of Allah then that surely is the only reason to have children. No doubt people’s maternal and paternal instincts make them consider having children in any situation, but parenting is a huge responsibility and if the child outlives you then perhaps their deeds will continue to affect you long after you have gone. Not to mention the fact if you don’t parent your children properly then ultimately they will suffer, and who would want to see their own children suffer?

How many adults have we all met who do not possess arrogance and do not show off, subhan’Allah I can count these people upon one hand. And surely this all begins from a young age? Upon taking the little one to school I hear nothing but showing off, vain talking and arrogance from little children themselves, this only grows as they do, until they are the messed up adults we all see around us. Children whom at this age should be innocent, I cannot help but feel that their parents have let them down.

Parents who hardly seem to be around to raise the children, palm them off to relatives at the first opportunity. Unless those who are helping with the children are upon the same path they cannot offer even a fraction of what you can. Children become confused, relationships become diluted, consistency is lost and parents merge into many.

The children return different, parents complain about poor behaviour, relationships break down and they have no one to blame but themselves.

There is no one who can raise a child like the parent themselves, only they understand the importance of raising this child correctly, only they have to deal with the issues day in day out. People really seem to assume too much, don’t look to others to parent your children- do it yourself.

Add to this, when the children return from school they are palmed off to the madressas and return late evening. Since when was the sunnah taught by other than the parents? How can a parent handle their child being away for so long? Surely, if you want to be the one giving the tarbiyyah to your child then you will do this yourself. A person would then be the child’s mentor, friend, teacher and parent, everything that the child requires to allow them to develop properly.

People who have grown up themselves speak of how well their parents have raised them because of the “freedom” they have received, unless the focal point of them raising you was not the deen then surely they have not done their job. And from this I don’t mean a quick explanation of the five pillars, we are talking daily classes, teaching, moulding and so forth. Children are capable of so much, if they can remember every player in a football team they can remember the chains of a hadeeth.

How many of us have received that? Then surely we all need to realise that the way we have had to struggle for knowledge our children should not have to. The way we have needed knocks to humble us, our children should be raised humble from the start. And when we have looked for love from everyone, our children should feel it from us fi sabi lillah.

Until the parents resolve their issues and raise their children in the correct manner, this Ummah will not progress.

May Allah open our hearts and guide us to become the parents our Ummah needs.


And indeed, Allah knows best.

11 Comments:

  • JazzakAllah khayr for such an excellent reminder.

    Subhana'Allah my own and I know many parents' skills leave a lot to be desired.

    It is a mammoth job, and one which I naively entered into thinking I would be ok, possibly even good at it.

    Looking back, I could kick myself for not thinking enough.

    Now looking at it as I do with a new perspective and fresh eyes, it is frightening, and a responsibility which is overwhelming.

    It has only recently struck me that every word I say every action I complete will have consequences on my children, and therefore consequences for the future.
    It is not a job to be taken lightly or messed around with.

    May Allah guide us all to be the best of parents to our young, to be the best examples and try and do them the justice they so deserve.

    Glad you are back...

    By Anonymous The mrs, at Wednesday, June 07, 2006 5:47:00 AM  

  • Also glad to see you back bro.

    Mashallah what a post to resume your blogging!

    Every Muslim parent should know what you've just written and furthermore act on it. It's so cliché but we have to give our children what we didn't, and remove this fallacy that we should give them freedom and let them "find" Islam themselves.

    A child before he is even conceived already has rights over his parents, which we see in the following story.

    Once a man brought his disobedient son to I think it was Sayyidina 'Umar (RA) and told him, "My son doesn't listen to anything I say. Tell him he should listen to me." Sayyidina 'Umar in his fairness asked the young lad if he had anything to say for himself.

    The boy replied, "Tell me - what rights does the child have over his parents." The reply was that:

    i) His parents chooses to marry someone pious

    ii) His parents give him an Islamic name

    iii) His parents teach him the Qur'an and how to pray.

    The boy replied that his father had not fulfilled any of these. Sayyiduna 'Umar then told them to go away.


    Subhanallah, the response of 'Umar (RA) is so significant.

    Allah knows best the order in which the 3 points were told, but the third one in the list really hits home.



    Jazakallah khair for the post bro. It motivates me to keep learning Tajweed, Fiqh etc. if not for myself then at least for the sake of my children and so that I am able to fulfil the rights of my children.

    But first things first, need to find a wife . . .

    By Blogger Imran, at Wednesday, June 07, 2006 6:34:00 AM  

  • Jazaah kallah khayar to both of you.

    This post could have gone on and on, I have a semi inspiration to write an article on this topic. I find the state of our children heartbreaking, I look at these children remaining the streets thinking you could be the next person to inspire this deen, if only your parents would do what is right by you. I feel so passionately about this I can barely contain myself.

    I look at these children and look at the parents and think why have you done this to them?

    The old adage is true: “you reap what you sow”.

    When these same children turn their backs on their parents when they then need them, the parents complain, but indeed if they want their children close to themselves in old age, they need the children close to Allah from the start.

    Imran, Jazaah Kallah Khayar for the narration, truly inspiring.

    May Allah make it easy on all the parents and make our offspring from the righteous.

    By Blogger Al, at Wednesday, June 07, 2006 6:44:00 AM  

  • Mashallah so beautifully put not many people can do what you have said. Thank you for the reminder of what makes good parents.

    My parents brought me up more culturally with Islam fitting into this but I have made a point of seeking knowledge, as I want my children (when I get married that is) to be brought up full of deen and on the path to righteousness.

    I agree with you Al about parents and children, you don’t just become a parent by having a child, its what you teach them and how you bring them up that will count in the end.

    I know allot of people who long to have children, that can bring them up full of deen and pious but cant. Then there are those people who have children but it's like as if they don’t because there children are too busy caught up in wrong doings.

    It just makes you wonder what is the reason behind all this, why the wrong doer has children that may also go on to do wrong, where as the better person is without!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Thursday, June 08, 2006 2:15:00 AM  

  • Allah SWT tests people in different ways, and for reasons best known to himself.

    Take Imam Bukhari (RA) for example, his name is often cited "willy nilly". People don't actually realise how pious he was. It is said that he could guarantee that he had never backbited a single person in his entire life. Subhanallah we would struggle to make such a claim about one whole day. I digress a bit but anyway he was actually born blind, but through the du'as of his mother, Allah 'azza wa jall returned his sight.

    Then take Sheikh Bin Baaz (RA). He was one of the greatest scholars of our time, a true 'alim. Yet he was blind from the age of 19, I believe. Subhanallah it shows how reliant we've become upon pens and paper and books. 'Ilm was transferred from heart to heart back in the day, and clearly for Sheikh Bin Baaz aswell.

    So Allah SWT returned sight to one great 'alim but deprived one of it. But both were great scholars Mashallah. It's probably better to avoid wondering why Allah swt has taken a certain plan of action.

    Abu Bakr (RA) said words to the effect, "The only thing I understand about Allah is that I don't understand him."

    By Blogger Imran, at Thursday, June 08, 2006 4:04:00 AM  

  • Thanks Imran that was a really good point, even though you gave examples of 2 pious people and i was questioning between a good and bad. But your right i think i know what you are implying that allah (SWT) knows best.

    I suppose Abu Bakr(RA)statement says it all though.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Thursday, June 08, 2006 6:13:00 AM  

  • Oh sorry yeah I see what you mean. Allah SWT says about the non-believers that He's just giving them respite. In a sense a blessing for us to exercise sabr and the reward of sabr is Jannah according to one hadith I believe.

    After all, we weren't created for the dunya. If only we could remember that all day everyday...

    By Blogger Imran, at Thursday, June 08, 2006 9:13:00 AM  

  • Ok you are right about the non-believers, but what about the people that are muslim and say we believe and that’s as far as it goes. They don’t acquire any further knowledge and don’t teach their children any more than that either. (I don’t expect you to give/have an answer so please don’t think that) May Allah reward you for trying to make my understanding better.

    Like you said sabr is the best thing. Inshallah those that have sabr will be rewarded for it. As you have mentioned we are not created for the dunya and it is best to try and remember that!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Friday, June 09, 2006 2:08:00 AM  

  • We often complain that Islam is misunderstood by the non-Muslims, but subhanallah, we need to look within ourselves to see just how much we as an Ummah misunderstand Islam.

    Sometimes we don't even know our obligations and often delude ourselves of Allah swt rahma, in the sense that we think we can do next to nothing and just hope that Allah swt will forgive us.

    Alhamdulillah of course we believe in Allah swt's rahma but we also have to have fear that it won't be accepted, for whatever reason, and I address myself primarily in all of this.

    Unfortunately we boil Islam down to the physical and neglect or under-emphasise our hearts. A perfect example of this is we would probably refer to ourselves as "practicising", but one brother made me aware of how arrogant it is to say this. Just because we may have chose to observe salah and wear hijaab or grow a beard, we would call that practising. It's so sad that that we've reduced Islam to physical actions and appearances. He said to me that if someone says salaam to you, regardless of whether they even pray or have a beard/hijaab then that's practicing Islam.

    May Allah forgive us all.

    The following hadith really sums it up.

    "...Indeed there is in the body a piece of flesh which if it is sound then the whole body is sound, and if it is corrupt then the whole body is corrupt. Know that this is the heart."

    (Bukhari & Muslim)

    I seem to have been talking a lot in this thread, and "advising", but I'm in most need of the advice subhanallah. Please forgive me if I've come across arrogant, or knowledgeable astaghfirullah. I'm just repeating the words of 'ulema and I'm anything but knowledgeable.

    Jazakumallah Khair

    By Blogger Imran, at Friday, June 09, 2006 7:31:00 AM  

  • Jazaah Kallah Khayar Imran,

    Someone has to talk sense on this blog, and it's not going to be me ;-)

    p.s. I've decided to write this post up as a comprehensive article and insha'Allah I hope to post it in the next few days.

    By Blogger Al, at Monday, June 12, 2006 12:04:00 AM  

  • Al - you have to give yourself some credit if you did not talk sense then there would not be a discussion in the first place!

    Imran - your point about being practising and a person saying salam to you, regardless of whether they even pray or have a beard/hijaab then that's practising Islam, I agree with this statement,

    A person with a hijab or beard can be worse as an individual, whereas the one that does not wear hijab have a beard could be the better out of the 2 Allah knows best. The problem is the way us Muslim’s assume the better out of the 2 is the covered one.

    I remember before I started to wear the hijab I was working in London and I used to feel as if I was the bad person even though I prayed namaz and did my best not to harm others in anyway. When I used to say salam to fellow Muslim’s sometimes I would not get a response and how the same people changed towards me when I did start wearing the hijab. Another time I was with my hijab wearing friend and a man distributing Islamic leaflets spoke directly to my friend and ignored me, even tough I returned his salam, and when I was trying to understand what he was telling my friend, he asked me are you muslim?

    Mashallah you have not come across arrogant at all if anything it would be helpful. Jazaah kallah
    It’s good to share the little knowledge that we have with others so that we can improve and widen our knowledge!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, June 12, 2006 1:48:00 AM  

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