Abu Musa's Chilled Blog

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A day in the life of a mad man named Al (well half a day)

When you’re too zombified to do anything constructive at work, what do you do? The obvious answer is: Type.

Because when you type you look like your doing something, I could be writing an important piece of analysis that could save the company 20million. I could be writing something that initiatives world peace. I could be sacrificing my valuable time writing something of some benefit, to someone, somewhere.

On the other hand I could be writing a useless piece of dribble intended to get me through the day.

Welcome to the latter.

The only problem is even dribble in its poorest form requires some form of substantial content. Hence, this post has failed from the beginning and I plan on torturing each reader by taking you through one of my average Mornings.

10 Pm onwards

The milk seeking midget as I like to call him wakes up every few hours for a feed, change, burp and you name it. It’s been a long night- I desperately need some sleep before work. I turn over, shut off my ears and wala I’m fast asleep.

6.00 Am

I’ve adopted my usual sunbathing position, both arms behind my head, facing up while fast asleep. This is strange I know, I have no idea where it comes from but it must be comfortable for me, the other half of the night is apparently spent sucking my thumb. But who cares? I feel warm, comfy, secure, loved etc life could not get better.

6.30 Am

That perfect dream is interrupted, those moments of peace are gone and my sanctuary is destroyed.
That damn alarm has gone off-I feel cheesed off, aggravated and life could not get any worse!

6:39 Am

After contemplating every excuse possible for not attending work I take look at what I have used so far. Aside from being abducted by Aliens I have no more left.
Best get my butt out of bed before I’m late for work.

6.45Am

I step outside the house, I’ve forgotten my apple, my pear, my tangerine and any other food of any benefit. Like a shrunken version of Herman Munster I stumble out the front door, tripping over pebbles and nearly breaking my neck in the process. Upon sitting in the car I realise my window is frozen, the sensible thing to do is use a scraper, scrapers have been designed for this purpose, they are quick, efficient and do a good job. But am I sensible?

Out comes my work swipe card, perfect for removing those tough bits of ice. Feel the plastic strip bend as the micro-chip which records my data is smothered in ice. And if the swipe card ceases to work, then I will have to bear the burden of not swiping and coming and going as I please. Life without a swipe card is difficult to contemplate. But I may just be brave enough to continue without it should it cease to work.

6.50Am

I drive down the road and slowly realise I cannot see a thing; All I see is steam in front of me, I have no idea where the road is, let alone the houses. I pull up randomly somewhere, on comes the heater and slowly the world becomes visible.

6.55Am

Off we go again. At a blistering speed of 20mph each speed bump sends my head into a spin, I switch on the radio and catch up with the morning news.

Whilst driving along, I see I have very little petrol left, maybe just enough to get me to work. However, there are no petrol stations near work, and the local petrol station is just around the corner.

Suddenly, a thought bubble appears and my mind then wanders, putting in petrol requires getting out of the car, putting in the right amount of petrol requires a brain, paying for it requires even more walking and even more brain power.

I whiz past the petrol station- I’ll worry about that later. Most of the motorway is downhill anyway.

7.20Am

After being cut up by numerous women drivers, most of them unfit to drive a shopping trolley, I arrive at my destination.

7.30 Am

I’m inside the office and ready to swipe. I wipe the last pieces off ice off the swipe card and insert it into the machine. I look at the screen hoping for a blank and *ping* my name appears. Damn.
Maybe I should use my swipe for mopping the kitchen or something.

8.00 Am

I have now eaten some toast and I have all my favourite websites are loaded up, my outlook is in full swing and I’m ready for another day.

9.00 Am

I have a meeting with a manager. He’s due to show me how he assesses certain types of work, my task is to understand what he is doing and re-design and improve this method for other processes.

9.05 Am

He starts talking, I’m sat slightly behind him. My head begins to drop as my eyes close, I’m in no state to retain any information after a long sleepless night. He turns around to see if I’m paying attention and up pops my head and I nod attentively, he turns back to his screen and I begin to slouch again slowly closing my eyes.

10.00 Am

An hour and a few naps later I’m finally rid of him. I look around the office, looking for a corner to have a good sleep in. I realise the only way to nap is to have my head in my hand while I look like I’m reading a screen, I drift in and out of sleep for ages. Randomly clicking the mouse every now and again just to show people I am comatose.

11.00 Am

It’s time to sit with some guy who’s working a process, he show’s me everything that he’s doing and guess what? Yes, the head begins to dip and the mind wanders. I have no idea what he’s saying and I couldn’t care less, I need some sleep from somewhere.

Midday

I have been watching him for an hour now and he has no idea that I haven’t been paying an ounce of attention.

1pm

He turns around as he is struck by a sudden brainwave “why don’t you have a go?” Damn I think as we swap seats. I start clicking buttons randomly like a fuel injected monkey as slowly he begins to twig that I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. After he’s shown me once I’ve taken most of it in and then I do the process once more to show I’ve understood.

Time for another nap as we swap seats. Every moment is a struggle to keep my eyes open as I drift off again.

And that is my situation at this precise moment. An hour of typing has helped to fill in the gaps.

If I make it through the day, then there may be a follow up to this post.

That’s if I make it :- )

Time for another nap.

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